American Idol: Microcosm for America

American Idol is the most popular show in America and in most parts of the world (there are other countries versions' like “Pop-Star, El Musico-La Staro, whatever”). Why you may ask? Some people find it entertaining, which I have no problem with. I have a problem with the people who watch this show and make it their “dream of dreams” or their “life goals" and I have a problem with anyone who considers the winners of American Idol "musicians." Last night’s episode and episodes of the first rounds in previous seasons had/has truck loads of these born losers. For example, there was a guy last night who quit his job to come and try out. Wow, what a sacrifice right? Later, you are informed he quit his job as a “gasoline attendant” to drive to Seattle to try out. Damn man, good luck breaking back into that market. What a sacrifice you made, hope you don’t have any kids to feed. If you need a reference on how quickly you threw that 17.4 gallons of 87 into my tank while you squeegeed my windshield, let me know man. Seriously, eat a shot gun shell and save humanity a lot of grey hairs.

As I'm watching the first rounds with other people, everyone sits around saying “this guy/girl can’t be for real” enough times that they actually convince themselves that these people are joking. Clearly, some of these people are joking but I would venture to say 98% of them are dead fucking serious, and that fucking scares me more than clowns do. They come in with their overweight, downsyndrome-esque swagger and chat up Paula while knocking Simon’s musical knowledge (What does Simon know? He only created the most popular show on TV… but also was more or less a massive loser before creating albums for the Power Rangers and Tele-tubbies, so… guess they’re right) setting them up for an even bigger fall. They proceed to tell “Yo Dawg” (I forgot the other dude’s name) how it has been their life long dream to be on this show and they are in fact, the next American Idol. Luckily, this is usually followed by the most horrible rendition of some shitty pop song which makes me want to have a stroke on the sofa. After they are mercifully cut off by the judges, we get to watch my personal favorite part of the show, the part where their smile turns up-side down and they realize, through very honest criticism that they are truly horrific. Some say that “oh but I’ve taken chorus in high school,” “ I’ve taken 14 years of vocal training,” “Oh I’m sick today, I’m usually much better,” all to no avail. As they leave the audition they even look like they were cheated out of their dream by the judges. DEEElusional.

So, how is this show a microcosm for America? Remember when I said my friends convince themselves that these people aren’t real? They are VERY real and are unfortunately all over America. Instead of having dreams like, oh let’s start small, graduating high school (see Gasoline Attendant man), they have dreams of being that 1 in a million people who spend one afternoon of their life doing something to make it big. I’m just assuming that they would never, lets start a little bigger, apply for a loan to go to college, try to make themselves more attractive in the job market, hell…. read a book!? America wants to be famous, it’s our cultural desire to be fabulous and in the public eye.

Where are the people who dream to be a doctor, carpenter, teacher, you know something beneficial for society? They are far outnumbered by losers who will just do the bare minimum to get by and convince themselves daily that this one time they belted out Mr. Mister Kyrie Elaison in the shower and “hit” all the notes was the best moment of their life and if only Simon, Paula, and “Yo Dawg” where there then, they’d be in. And, like in the show, they blame 100 things that prevent them from succeeding in normal life instead of blaming their lack of talent/effort. Have you ever seen anyone come out of the audition room going “Damn, I really am fucking terrible, what the hell was I thinking?” Every time I’ve seen it, it’s always, “those judges don’t know wtf they are doing/thinking,” “I’ll be famous some day, you wait,” “I can’t believe they didn’t pick me, I should have sang another song.” If one person came out of there saying, “Holy Fuck, I’m terrible, I’m going to go back to my day job and stay there” I might actually have some faith in America; unfortunately, this won’t be the case anytime soon.

On a sort of sidebar, I don’t want anyone to think that being a musician isn’t a good goal. Culture is a very important part of society and music plays a role in defining that; however, the people that set the cultural heart beat aren’t no-talent losers who just jumped off a train and fell into a platinum album bin. Additionally, American Idol also erodes any cultural significance modern music might have had. A musician by my definition is someone who can write songs, and good ones, while singing or playing a musical instrument with some complexity/skill. Any muppet can sit back and pen a stupid song about love or how much “bling” you have, serious musicians like James Taylor, Mos Def, Sufjan Stevens, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Dr. Dre, and Metallica (a brief list don’t make me write down every influential band/performer, go sit on a fire hydrant instead of leaving me a comment on how I forgot/included x.y.z) define eras and change the style of future musicians. No one is ever going to look back and say, wow…. that Clay Aiken really changed the way people look at music. Even the most popular Idol, Kelly Clarkson, sounds exactly like every other female pop-star of the times. There is no originality in the music and the “idols” don’t write any of the songs (I'm sure maybe one or two of them have; unfortunately, I'm not willing to call a song that includes "Love" and "Baby" 47 times genius.) or play any instruments on any of the albums so I wouldn’t classify them as musicians. They are on par with a mime on the street, they are performers. They are very good at what they do, but they are not creative or original. It bothers me when they win Grammy’s or any award for a song they didn’t write (this happens to other artists as well) and just shows how culturally, I want to say ignorant but I guess a better word is retarded, America is.

In summation, Simon Cowell is not a dumb man. He thinks in a way similar to Rupert Murdoch (creator of Fox News) that America is full of dumb, pipe dream idiots and he has made millions exploiting that cultural and intellectual weakness. He has succeeded consequently in bringing forth these idiots and put them on display in a Barnum-esque manner shocking some, entertaining others, and disturbing the rest. He has created performers who dump billions of gallons of crap into the already diluted pool of musical creativity and convinced millions that it makes for good music, and we let him do it. Kudos America, eat a shot gun shell instead of waiting in line for the next AI please.