Soccer Moms

What singular force is slowly eroding our personal freedoms in this country you may ask? The answer to me is simple, Soccer Moms. Basically, they represent one of two parental types, both equally dangerous.

The first is the over protective mother who won't even let her child go out in the rain, reads their emails, has a v-chip, sleeps with pictures of them at night, etc. This mother is responsible for the following bullshit rules in America. When the "Superbowl Tragedy" occurred last year and the three fags that actually watch the halftime show saw what 50% of America has not one, but two of (The infamous wardrobe malfunction) the whole overprotective mother soccer mom mounted up and stormed the FCC. Now, thanks to this, the cartoon network blur's Peter Griffen's (A FUCKING CARTOON) ass on family guy so the butt crack of a 300 lb cartoon doesn't make any little kid sexually aware of themselves and little Johnny won't pop an erection until his priest shows him how. This mother will also slip spontaneously into a coma when she hears such words as "pussy," "fuck," "biscuits," "shit," and my favorite "God Damn." You can thank her for not being able to listen to Outkast's "We love these ho's" on the radio. Instead you get "We love these _______ ah ah ah We love these _________." If a young girl hears the word ho, she will of course start shoving vegetables in her vagina and will go start sucking dick for her crack addiction within minutes of hearing the word ho on the radio. Thank God that these moms are there to prevent us from ourselves!

The second mom is probably the worst, because she drips with hypocrisy like the gravy that drips from her jowels. She worries about her child about as much as she worries about bidding on the next item from her lazy-boy on the Price is Right slamming tender crispy chicken into her exponentially expanding fundamental Christian ass...... until..... SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS. Then, like the dad from the Incredibles, she SQUEEEEEZES into her best looking tarp and heads to the local town meeting to squeal about how much she despises something influencing or hurting her child. Her favorite topics include gun control, violent videogames, and alcohol and tobacco (sadly, my personal favorites). Her idol is fat lesbian cow Rosie O' Donnell. Her stance on gun control comes from school shootings, random crime, and the occasional dumbass who wonders what bullets taste like so they find out from daddy's gun. The goal of these mom's is to more or less ban guns, because then, in their amazing psychic driven world, there will be NO MORE GUN VIOLENCE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Newsflash fatties, as long as there are guns SOMEWHERE in the world SOMEONE is going to get shot sooner or later. Yeah, this may cut down on the kid who wants to eat bullets but crime and the random shooting will ALWAYS be there because psychos and criminals will ALWAYS be able to get guns no matter what laws you try to enact.

And of course, this drive to violence comes purely from kids playing violent video games. Personally, I have been playing violent video games since "Tank" on Atari and I don't want to rip kitties' heads off or anything simply because, wait for it, wait for it... I HAD FUCKING GOOD PARENTS. Without someone to tell you right from wrong in all aspects of life, of course dumbasses are going to learn the wrong thing. So after your kid goes on a 36 hour binger of trying to beat Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, pounds a 12 pack of Mellow Yellow, and proceeds to slap his girlfriend in the face because "the bad man in the video did and therefore its totally socially acceptable," you as a parent can either slap him in the face to teach him a lesson or you can do what every American does best, simply blame someone else!!! This is the favorite escape clause of the second type of soccer mom. Billy comes home drunk, it's those damn beer commercials. Jane comes home smoking, it's the tobacco companies agenda. Jane is pregnant, it's that damn 50 cent.... oh wait, you can blame him.

In every other country I know of, children are expected to adapt to the world of the adults around them, because that's what children do. They learn from the world around them and with the proper guidance (i.e. parents) learn right from wrong and become better people. In America, every adult is expected to adapt to the world of children, and this may be why we are slowly turning into a bunch of blood belching vaginas.