Why Nice Guys Always Finish Last

This isn’t as much of a rant as it is social commentary. How many times have you heard a girl say “Wow, you know, I’ve dated some real assholes in my life and I just want to find a nice guy!”? Personally, I’ve heard this uttered dozens of times from hundreds of girls. It is, in fact, the biggest self-imposed lie they will ever tell themselves. A girl saying they want a “nice guy” is like me saying I want a third leg, it sounds really awesome, but what the fuck do I do with it once I have it? The truth of the matter is, there are just as many nice guys out there as there are assholes, they are just invisible to most girls. A “nice guy” isn’t as loud or obnoxious as an asshole. A “nice guy” doesn’t pop his collar and shower in cologne. A “nice guy” will walk you home after a night out and not expect anything in return, being happy purely knowing you are safe. Unfortunately, all those traits which make him “nice” also make him appear less desirable than the alternative.

Personally, I consider myself a nice guy, as I do most of my friends; that being said, the majority of us have absolutely no luck with girls. Now you may say we look like a bunch of fat trolls living under a bridge feeding off fish heads and cigarette butts; fortunately, this is not the case. The girls we try to talk to at bars, at work, around town are totally in our reach “league” wise but since we may have the slightest amount of respect for them, we find ourselves already at a sizable disadvantage. There have been times when I have been out at a bar and heard a girl utter that crystal phrase so dissected above and I would talk to her for an hour or two then go to the bathroom and, upon my return, find her making out with the guy next to me not even 3 minutes later. Sense of humor and a great conversation will be forgotten the second a “super hot” guy glances at them, thus veering from the search for a “nice guy.” Can a “super hot” guy be a nice guy? Of course they can! Would a nice “super hot” guy rip a girl away from someone else? He probably would not if he really was the “nice guy” whose club contains more or less a sense of brotherhood toward our fellow “nice guys.” Score one for the nice guy?!

To you women out there, if you are looking for this “nice guy,” my advice to you is to look around you. He’s undoubtedly right there in your circle of friends, or a neighbor, or that nice guy at the gym/grocery store/book club. Not good enough for you? Want more of a fairy tale? Well, just find comfort in the idea that he’s probably looking for you too. Quit bitching about asshole guys, please. Asshole guys will be there as long as humanity exists on this earth and they are more than happy to prey on your insecurities. Adjust your behavior and your “social radar.” You know exactly who those asshole guys are as well as us nice guys do. Girls with certain repeatable behaviors saying, “I only find assholes, or I only find creeps!” is like an 8 year old dressed up as a ghost on October 31st feeling surprised every time someone gives them candy.

Nice guys will always be a step behind, purely because they are not willing/able to do the things necessary to become an asshole knowing this is the sure way to get “the girls”; and, in not being willing/able to do said things creates both their predicament and their ambiguous advantage. Thus, the fact that you are a “nice guy” dooms you to finish last, every time, all the time.