2007 in Review: An Airing of Grievances

“I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!”

Father Time, that bastard, has let yet another year eclipse and still so many battles being fought. The battles over our own hubris in the Middle East, the battles over which type of Jesus is the real Jesus, battles over script writers and movie studios, battles over Mr. Brittany Spears and Mrs. Brittany Spears, and battles over me and the ushers of a certain Southern Baptist Church. Many plot lines open at the beginning of the year remain unresolved and many new jars of bullshit have been strewn open. Lets look back at some notable highlights of the year.

1) IOWA SHOULD NOT EVER …. EVER be important:

For some reason, the presidential race for an election to be held in November 2008 began in June 1987. The 48 round boxing match has already had some victims. Valiant politico Tom Tancredo just couldn’t sap his stamina for a 3 year race, most knowing he is like a dwarf, a sprinter and very deadly over short distances. For some reason, the grizzled hobbit, UFO spotting Dennis Kucinich is still a democratic contender; whereas Alaska Senator Mike Grabel has withdrawn. The most interesting story of course is not who has dropped out, but who still carries a torch.

From my humble point of view, the following issues “should be” extremely important in the upcoming election as they are extremely vital to the future of our nation:

1. We are in wars in two countries and rattling our sabers at the cream to that Middle East Oreo Iran. What are our goals? Who should be in charge/responsible? How are we going to pay for this? Why are we still shouting at Iran when the NIE (yes, it is a FOX NEWS link) proved Bush has been lying for two whole years? ….again.
2. How are we going to pay for a war that is estimated to cost us 2-3 trillion dollars without “raising taxes?
3. How are we going to pay off the $9,000,000,000,000.00 debt this administration has incurred without “raising taxes?”
4. What are we going to do about the 18+ million illegal immigrants in this country?
5. How are we going to repair our image and morale high ground which has been absolutely trashed by the current administration?
6. What steps should we take to protect our future by beginning to think about Global Warming?
7. Who is going to do something about Social Security which appears like it is totally going to bone people of my generation? (too bad we don’t vote)

This takes me to the topic of this thread, why in the great name of fuck is Iowa important? I’lltell you why it shouldn’t be. Instead of debating any of the issues above with any degree of seriousness, the leading Republicans are arguing about what brand name of Jesus is real and why those “wicked gays” shouldn’t be married!? The Democrats aren’t faring much better having to wear gold clocks and grills to prove just how “black” they really are. Obama showed up an hour late to a press conference just to prove how serious he is. While the only thing that emerges from the dog pile unscathed is John Edwards’ flawless haircut. They are doing this in Iowa, a meaningless state full of meaningless people (sorry Christina if you read this) and pandering to a portion of the country which is entirely unrepresentative of the general population. This system of going to Iowa and then to New Hampshire weeds out what this country needs most, a moderate candidate. The fringes of both parties have to be preached to and the most radical candidates emerge, serving only as a hindrance to the growth and wealth of our country. Is it to anyone’s surprise that Mike Huckabee, a Southern Baptist preacher and hunter is leading in Iowa? These issues which they’ll tell you are important are meaningless in the bigger picture of our country. We have invaded 2 countries in 2 years and are trying to go after a third! We are looking at a 14 figure number for national debt! Isn’t that a little more important than whether you’re a hunter? Isn’t that a little more important than subsidizing corn?

The scope of this process in Iowa is sickening as well. The process has been going on for a matter of months, not weeks and most Americans are sick of it. I’m sick of Huckabee and Romney going back and forth about which “Jesus” is real… HOW DOES THAT AFFECT AMERICA!? I’m sick of people attacking Hillary Clinton for having a vagina …. SO DOES 50% OF AMERICA!!! I’m sick of John McCain having to become a sell out to win votes. I’m sick of Giuliani saying 9/11 when he orders coffee. I’m sick of looking at Tom Tancredo’s face (did Quato from Total Recall have a son?). I’m sick of people clapping for Ron Paul who clearly is insane (if you don’t believe this, what flavor was the kool-aid he gave you?). The good news is, I have just under a year left of all of it! Primaries should be held in the most populous states first if we are going to continue this archaic Electoral College process, not fringe farmer infested states.

2) Politicians are Politicians… Scientists are Scientists

The best politicians around convinced the kings and queens of Portugal that the Earth was flat, so I guess it’s a good thing Christopher Columbus went to Spain to get a second opinion. Religion and politics have gone hand in hand in destroying/discrediting scientific truths and it is happening again today. In my time spent in the Southern parts of the United States, never have I found a collective group of people who are so confidant of their ignorance. I blame these “red states” for putting a president in office who refutes two current scientific truths to protect his base from some mythical “liberal” beast which most educated people would call reality. These two scientific theories are evolution and global warming.

Ironically, the basic foundation for any theory of evolution was discovered by a German Monk in the 1800’s. The theory was further developed as most people know by Charles Darwin. For some reason, this is a topic which “religious” people have a huge problem with. If we did in fact, evolve from less advanced forms, then there could be no creation (we’ll just disregard the idea that creation could still be a part of this model); therefore, the Bible is inaccurate and the sky is going to fall on our heads. When I talk to people about this in the south, they mutter “well… look at a watch and how complex its pieces are, clearly it was designed and didn’t just happen! Such is the human body!” They proceed to walk away as if they had just won the pumpkin pie eating contest with a whole helping of smug on their face. I then say… “guess what buddy, that watch was a sun dial two thousand years ago.” pwnd.

Although, evolution isn’t as “political” a topic as global warming, it serves as a lever to the fulcrum of idiocy. By attempting to discredit scientists on this theory, politicians hope they can cast enough doubts in the minds of their sheep about the credibility of such “liberal” scientists and create their own panel of “trusted academics.” Just like I can find a guy with an MD to say on TV that by taking this simple pill for 6 months I will get six pack abs, I can find people with PhD’s to say that the Bible’s story of creation is real. The same type of person accepts both, muppets. If you think for one second that Moses rode a Dinosaur, cover yourself with diesel fuel and smoke a cigarette, hey at least you’ll get to see Jesus sooner than you thought! By discrediting what 98.9% of biologists accept, politicians have been able to cast doubt in unbiased sources of scientific debate and thus use their own twisted research as proof.

This modification of scientific findings happens quite often. The Bush Administration was caught with their pants down again, this time for forcing scientists to change the wording and findings of certain papers discussing global warming. The scientists in question resigned immediately and went straight to the press, luckily for Bush no one cared. So why would our government have such a problem with global warming? Simple answer is greed. It would cost “certain people” too much to make our country a greener country so lets just not even try. We’d rather spend money on convincing you that this is not happening and the people that are trying to tell you it is are immoral, child molesting deviants. Let’s just ignore the fact that the innovation required to make our nation’s industries more environmentally friendly could in fact be a huge industry in and of itself.

Instead of talk about ways to make our nation more energy efficient, we talk about ending our dependence on foreign oil as the sole way to make our country more “environmentally sound” and, in turn, bone the terrorists. Some nimrod in the administration made the connection that doing this will stomp out terrorists because “most of our oil comes from the Middle East”…. WRONG. This may be surprising to most of you, but Saudi Arabia accounts for about 15% of our oil usage in this country. The US supplies a little more than 40% of our oil, Canada is next, then Mexico proportionately. Saudi Arabia barely is ahead of Venezuela in oil imports in America. So no, yet another misuse of numbers for political ends. Even if you include Iraq in this figure the percentage hinges at ~20%. 20% ≠ most.

Global warming is as Al Gore defined it, an inconvenient truth. It is happening, it is our fault, at this stage I don’t believe anything can be done to stop it; but, I do believe it can be slowed. Yet the generation in charge which is so worried about their children, love to just bone them with every chance they get. How are we going to pay back 9 trillion dollars? Leave us with a dead social security system that will bone us? Destroy our planet so our children won’t have the gifts we’ve had? Well, as long as you can expand that 42” waist at the local all you can eat buffet, who gives a fuck right?

I find it the most ironic that the “religious right” is so adamantly against anyone who says anything about global warming. Isn’t the earth a gift from god? Don’t you refuse to drink caffeine to protect your body as a gift from god? What’s the fucking difference? I guess they believe that Jesus is coming soon so they better look busy. Religion does not belong in our government, our founders knew this and made rules against it. “Hey there Mister, our founders were very religious people and all were Christians!” Yeah, they also used leaches to suck out the devil inside that was giving them diarrhea…

Take home message is, I have no problem with religious people, just don’t force your ignorance on me. The same group of people that are forcing their ignorance on us humiliated a man for saying the Earth isn’t the center of the Universe… whoops guess you were wrong their too. Don’t manipulate science fact into science fiction in attempts to prove your point. The Earth is warming: fact. It has continued exponentially over the last century: fact. Carbon Dioxide in our atmosphere reflects heat back to the surface: fact. Global Carbon Dioxide levels have increased over 10 fold in the last century: fact. “The Flintstones” is not a documentary: fact.

3) Please: Stop Giving Brittany Spears Money!

If you’ve ever bought a Hillary Duff, Hannah Montana, or Nick Carter CD and aren’t a 12 year old girl, just stop reading because you should be busy doing other things like slitting your wrists, chugging drano, or something more conducive to the way you wish to conduct your life. Brittany Spears is sitting in her multimillion dollar pleasure palace laughing at EVERYONE. Did you see her at the MTV Video awards? Her big chance to “make a comeback” was just slammed by everyone; yet, her newest cookie cutter album sold ~1.5 million copies. STOP FUCKING GIVING HER MONEY. The bear is fat, rabies infested, but if you keep throwing it pork chops, he’s not going anywhere. This also leads to another perennial problem: Kevin Federline. Only you can prevent Federline.

4) Stop Pretending Reality TV is Good Entertainment

American Idol is coming back around for a eleventy billionth season and will undoubtedly be the most watched show in America while it is running. America loves mindless entertainment more than down syndrome kids love Velcro. Unfortunately, this has led to America’s next top ________ and it’s plethora of spinoffs. VH1 exists purely on this type of TV and following around B,C,D, and sometimes even Taco Bell grade meat celebrities. Our minds are being numbed by this idiotic form of entertainment. Do I watch these shows? You’re god damn right I do. Do I hate myself for doing so? You’re god damn right I do! Unfortunately, there really isn’t much else on TV these days. This is because, anytime a decent thought provoking show comes through the pipeline, it is destroyed in the ratings by America’s Next Shoe Salesman! Fox stopped airing the smartest show in network TV (Arrested Development) so it could air more of the racist (be honest with yourself) 24, When Bee’s Attack, America’s Next Top Fluffer, and The Sanjaya’s! reality show. Most “smart” shows are on the movie channels. Showtime and HBO have some of the best television on TV that most people just can’t afford to watch. Although, Entourage… seriously they knew Sex in the City was great for girls so they just re-wrote the show and replaced every girl thing in the script with a dude thing. Do you really think Marky Mark is that creative? If you have a problem with that last statement, ask yourself how much Ax Bodyspray you have while you’re reading your Maxim Magazine (male Cosmo). Stop watching these shows or sooner or later that’s all TV is going to be and it’s my/your/our fault!

Whelp, that is my Festivus airing of grievances. Feel free to leave me hateful comments.

Tragedy to Politics:

The events that occurred Monday morning in Blacksburg, Virginia are absolutely terrible. So terrible that I thought we, as a country, would at least have some respect for those whose lives were taken for at least several days before the politicizing of this tragedy occurred. Like so many times when I give humanity the benefit of the doubt, I was dead wrong. Just hours after the shootings, while bodies are still laying in dorm rooms, the blame game began. Everyone is to blame of course, violent video games, gun control laws, lack of metal detectors in schools, our decaying morality, and probably even global warming.

The finger pointing began at noon for me when I tuned to my “favorite” pundit Rush “Rx” Limbaugh. As the first hour of information and solace passed, it flew into a blame game. First on the chopping block were violent video games. Clearly the millions and millions of college students around the country who have played a “violent video game” (this definition probably involves everything other than Bible Adventure) and not shot up a school are clearly in the minority. Then our declining social and moral fabric was under attack and before I could have an aneurism, I tuned out. On CNN later that day people were appalled over the lack of oversight in our gun control laws and demanded more security at schools including metal detectors.

What everyone in the country needs to realize is that this was a tragedy involving an extremely troubled individual. The human brain is so complex that the possibility of just “snapping” exists within all of us and just the descriptions of how he went from classroom to classroom shooting people clearly indicates that he snapped and had extreme psychological and emotional problems. Would gun control laws have prevented this? Honestly? No. Someone who is that “prepared” for what he was going to do would have went to the black market if gun control laws were more strict and what do you think would have been right beside a 9mm or a shotgun on the black market? I would guess the world’s favorite gun, the AK-47, or maybe even an Uzi which would have caused much more damage. What about metal detectors? As described, this man was locking people in buildings to up his horrific tally so what would a beeping wall done to him? I would guess, make him shoot any security guard and walk through and carry out his plan.

We are always quick to blame situations and circumstances when usually the easiest explanation, although providing no comfort in this case, is usually the correct one. The young man clearly just snapped. The scale of his act suggests that little protective action could have prevented something so chaotic and barbaric. In this day and age of polarized politics, people are so corrupt and immoral that they jump on this and try and spin it to their advantage when we really should just be thinking about the families involved. It happened, now we need to cope with it, not blame everything under the sun besides the person who did it which is where all the blame needs to lie.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb Evangelicals

I don’t really like to throw the word ignorant around too much, well… that’s a lie and beside the point. For the sake of argument, I’ll just assume that there is no better word to describe how intolerably fucking “ignorant” some people can be. Recently, one of my roommates stumbled onto a documentary on HBO called “Friends of God” which made me want to arm myself with my “Flame Thrower of Justice” and go do some real work. This documentary highlighted, through many examples, how Evangelical Christians live and what they believe, with many of these statements coming from videotaped sermons and from personal confessions. I really don’t care if you believe one thing or another, let me set that straight; but, when you tell your children something so…… so….. I gotta take a break, I almost had an aneurism…. blatantly, scientifically, and obviously wrong and idiotic as “Dinosaurs are in the Bible and lived alongside people and here’s proof! Don’t believe those “evil scientists!”” I just want to eject you from the planet.

For most Christians, they have been willing to accept the fact that the earth is not 6000 years old and there were organisms living on this planet before us (mainly due to the MILLIONS of pieces of evidence that support that idea). Fortunately, for the sake of comedy, there does exist a sizable portion of the Evangelical movement who DOES believe the world is 6000 years old and dinosaurs roamed the Earth with man. I won’t waste time refuting the heaps and heaps and tons and tons and fucking shit heap tons of evidence supporting the fact that the Earth isn’t 6000 years old; instead, I purely want to highlight how ignorant you have to be to think that Dinosaurs lived alongside men.

In this documentary, there was a projectile vomit inducing scene where a “pastor” was in front of an audience of 1000’s of children, including parents, highlighting how clearly this one paragraph describes a dinosaur. That’s right…. one………uno paragrapho from the Bible is used to demonstrate how it is stated therein that these “gentle giants” lived among us.

The verse in question is Job 40:15-24:

“15 Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox.16 Lo now, his strength [is] in his loins, and his force [is] in the navel of his belly.17 He moveth his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together. 18 His bones [are as] strong pieces of brass; his bones [are] like bars of iron.19 He [is] the chief of the ways of God: he that made him can make hissword to approach [unto him].20 Surely the mountains bring him forth food, where all the beasts of the field play.21 He lieth under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens.22 The shady trees cover him [with] their shadow; the willows of the brookcompass him about.23 Behold, he drinketh up a river, [and] hasteth not: he trusteth that hecan draw up Jordan into his mouth. 24 He taketh it with his eyes: [his] nose pierceth through snares. “

CASE CLOSED! Clearly this describes a Dinosaur and not an Elephant or a Hippopotamus, you know, something that would be “believable.” Clearly the 10’s of 1000’s of species of Dinosaurs which Archaeologists have unearthed just really don’t deserve mentioning anywhere in the Bible. When 68 Bible verses from the Old Testament alone contain descriptions and/or mention donkeys…. clearly none of them thought a predator the size of Metallica’s Tour Bus was noteworthy (T-Rex). It’s like these people are told the sky is red so many times that they not only believe it but they think you’re an idiot for thinking its blue! I would challenge ANY “Evangelical” to prove to me that Dinosaurs lived alongside humans without sighting SUPER vague Bible verses and maybe some, I know, I know it’s the devil but “scientific (by this I mean, testable, quantifiable observations/examinations) evidence” proving their point. Fortunately, this would be as difficult for them as me trying to pry crystal meth out of Ted Haggard’s hands.

How Inept Can A City Be?

Boston: Fucking Idiot-ville USA. I can’t believe that a police force/FBI/DHS shut down a whole god damn city because of an advertising campaign. If they actually asked anyone on the street between the ages of 15-25 a sizable majority of them would have said, “Chillax (yeah they say that in Boston) man, dat’s (yeah they say that in Boston) just some fucking cartoon man.” The second I saw the “bomb scare material” I laughed out loud (lol’d, they don’t say that in Boston) at the idea that someone would think that was a bomb. I even thought in my head how this whole thing went down.

Scenario:

-Bunch of teenagers walk by Ignignot (2-D Mooninite) and giggle as he flips them off.

-Stoners walk by and laugh for 20 minutes on how an ATHF character is on the street in Boston.

-45 year old soccer mom walks by and, after throwing the half-eaten portion of her gallon of Clam Chowdaeeeh (yeah, they say that in Boston) and her flabby ass arms up in the air she screams “ OH MY LAAAAUUUD (lord) IT’S A BAAAAAAAHHHHMMMM (bomb).” She then proceeds to use a pen to dial 911 (because her fingers are so fat that when she dials she punches 4 numbers at once) and inform them. The cops show up and since they don’t do any real “investigating” declared this a bomb:

Good fucking police work. I know what that is, I watch the show. I’m sure others watch the show, it’s not that obscure. So you say shame on Time Warner, I say shame on you.

American Idol: Microcosm for America

American Idol is the most popular show in America and in most parts of the world (there are other countries versions' like “Pop-Star, El Musico-La Staro, whatever”). Why you may ask? Some people find it entertaining, which I have no problem with. I have a problem with the people who watch this show and make it their “dream of dreams” or their “life goals" and I have a problem with anyone who considers the winners of American Idol "musicians." Last night’s episode and episodes of the first rounds in previous seasons had/has truck loads of these born losers. For example, there was a guy last night who quit his job to come and try out. Wow, what a sacrifice right? Later, you are informed he quit his job as a “gasoline attendant” to drive to Seattle to try out. Damn man, good luck breaking back into that market. What a sacrifice you made, hope you don’t have any kids to feed. If you need a reference on how quickly you threw that 17.4 gallons of 87 into my tank while you squeegeed my windshield, let me know man. Seriously, eat a shot gun shell and save humanity a lot of grey hairs.

As I'm watching the first rounds with other people, everyone sits around saying “this guy/girl can’t be for real” enough times that they actually convince themselves that these people are joking. Clearly, some of these people are joking but I would venture to say 98% of them are dead fucking serious, and that fucking scares me more than clowns do. They come in with their overweight, downsyndrome-esque swagger and chat up Paula while knocking Simon’s musical knowledge (What does Simon know? He only created the most popular show on TV… but also was more or less a massive loser before creating albums for the Power Rangers and Tele-tubbies, so… guess they’re right) setting them up for an even bigger fall. They proceed to tell “Yo Dawg” (I forgot the other dude’s name) how it has been their life long dream to be on this show and they are in fact, the next American Idol. Luckily, this is usually followed by the most horrible rendition of some shitty pop song which makes me want to have a stroke on the sofa. After they are mercifully cut off by the judges, we get to watch my personal favorite part of the show, the part where their smile turns up-side down and they realize, through very honest criticism that they are truly horrific. Some say that “oh but I’ve taken chorus in high school,” “ I’ve taken 14 years of vocal training,” “Oh I’m sick today, I’m usually much better,” all to no avail. As they leave the audition they even look like they were cheated out of their dream by the judges. DEEElusional.

So, how is this show a microcosm for America? Remember when I said my friends convince themselves that these people aren’t real? They are VERY real and are unfortunately all over America. Instead of having dreams like, oh let’s start small, graduating high school (see Gasoline Attendant man), they have dreams of being that 1 in a million people who spend one afternoon of their life doing something to make it big. I’m just assuming that they would never, lets start a little bigger, apply for a loan to go to college, try to make themselves more attractive in the job market, hell…. read a book!? America wants to be famous, it’s our cultural desire to be fabulous and in the public eye.

Where are the people who dream to be a doctor, carpenter, teacher, you know something beneficial for society? They are far outnumbered by losers who will just do the bare minimum to get by and convince themselves daily that this one time they belted out Mr. Mister Kyrie Elaison in the shower and “hit” all the notes was the best moment of their life and if only Simon, Paula, and “Yo Dawg” where there then, they’d be in. And, like in the show, they blame 100 things that prevent them from succeeding in normal life instead of blaming their lack of talent/effort. Have you ever seen anyone come out of the audition room going “Damn, I really am fucking terrible, what the hell was I thinking?” Every time I’ve seen it, it’s always, “those judges don’t know wtf they are doing/thinking,” “I’ll be famous some day, you wait,” “I can’t believe they didn’t pick me, I should have sang another song.” If one person came out of there saying, “Holy Fuck, I’m terrible, I’m going to go back to my day job and stay there” I might actually have some faith in America; unfortunately, this won’t be the case anytime soon.

On a sort of sidebar, I don’t want anyone to think that being a musician isn’t a good goal. Culture is a very important part of society and music plays a role in defining that; however, the people that set the cultural heart beat aren’t no-talent losers who just jumped off a train and fell into a platinum album bin. Additionally, American Idol also erodes any cultural significance modern music might have had. A musician by my definition is someone who can write songs, and good ones, while singing or playing a musical instrument with some complexity/skill. Any muppet can sit back and pen a stupid song about love or how much “bling” you have, serious musicians like James Taylor, Mos Def, Sufjan Stevens, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Dr. Dre, and Metallica (a brief list don’t make me write down every influential band/performer, go sit on a fire hydrant instead of leaving me a comment on how I forgot/included x.y.z) define eras and change the style of future musicians. No one is ever going to look back and say, wow…. that Clay Aiken really changed the way people look at music. Even the most popular Idol, Kelly Clarkson, sounds exactly like every other female pop-star of the times. There is no originality in the music and the “idols” don’t write any of the songs (I'm sure maybe one or two of them have; unfortunately, I'm not willing to call a song that includes "Love" and "Baby" 47 times genius.) or play any instruments on any of the albums so I wouldn’t classify them as musicians. They are on par with a mime on the street, they are performers. They are very good at what they do, but they are not creative or original. It bothers me when they win Grammy’s or any award for a song they didn’t write (this happens to other artists as well) and just shows how culturally, I want to say ignorant but I guess a better word is retarded, America is.

In summation, Simon Cowell is not a dumb man. He thinks in a way similar to Rupert Murdoch (creator of Fox News) that America is full of dumb, pipe dream idiots and he has made millions exploiting that cultural and intellectual weakness. He has succeeded consequently in bringing forth these idiots and put them on display in a Barnum-esque manner shocking some, entertaining others, and disturbing the rest. He has created performers who dump billions of gallons of crap into the already diluted pool of musical creativity and convinced millions that it makes for good music, and we let him do it. Kudos America, eat a shot gun shell instead of waiting in line for the next AI please.

24 is Not the Greatest Show Ever:

This may be the most unpopular blog I ever write; however, I can’t stand idly by and let people put 24 up with the greatest TV shows. If you really like 24, and/or really liked the movie “Armageddon,” you should probably stop reading here.

Fox, capitol network of sensationalism, brought you a show that… brace yourselves, takes place over every hour of a 24 hour day. If you thought the Mach 4 razor blade was an innovation, then this may have wowed your socks off as well. I can’t speak for the entire show because honestly, I haven’t seen it all; but what I have seen and heard is just Jerry Bruckenheimer, over the edge 100% of the time, in your face silly/stupid action scene, crap. Just like in the movie Armageddon, anything that can go wrong, does go wrong, PURELY for the sake of creating some pointless twist to infuse the limp story with some entirely artificial emotion. You can only twist so many times before you end up in the same direction to crapville. Fox even rubs this shit in your face in the ad campaigns for not only 24, but Prison Break (re-read entire article and throw Prison Break in place of 24 for an entirely different article on the same crappy show) “YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS TWIST,” “HOLD ON TO YOUR COCKS CUZ THIS WEEKS 24 MIGHT MAKE THEM SPLIT IN HALF AND HAVE ALIEN BABIES!” “THIS WEEKS EPISODE WILL BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW YOU AWAY!” Holy fucking shit, I better buy a seat belt for my couch!! Shooting down Air Force one (ridiculous), making the president a terrorist (ridiculous), and having the most ridiculous things happen in one season is entertaining don’t get me wrong; but, it is mindless sensationalism. For the same reason no one with 2 hemispheres of operational brain can honestly say Armageddon is the best movie ever, 24 is not the greatest show ever.

Why Nice Guys Always Finish Last

This isn’t as much of a rant as it is social commentary. How many times have you heard a girl say “Wow, you know, I’ve dated some real assholes in my life and I just want to find a nice guy!”? Personally, I’ve heard this uttered dozens of times from hundreds of girls. It is, in fact, the biggest self-imposed lie they will ever tell themselves. A girl saying they want a “nice guy” is like me saying I want a third leg, it sounds really awesome, but what the fuck do I do with it once I have it? The truth of the matter is, there are just as many nice guys out there as there are assholes, they are just invisible to most girls. A “nice guy” isn’t as loud or obnoxious as an asshole. A “nice guy” doesn’t pop his collar and shower in cologne. A “nice guy” will walk you home after a night out and not expect anything in return, being happy purely knowing you are safe. Unfortunately, all those traits which make him “nice” also make him appear less desirable than the alternative.

Personally, I consider myself a nice guy, as I do most of my friends; that being said, the majority of us have absolutely no luck with girls. Now you may say we look like a bunch of fat trolls living under a bridge feeding off fish heads and cigarette butts; fortunately, this is not the case. The girls we try to talk to at bars, at work, around town are totally in our reach “league” wise but since we may have the slightest amount of respect for them, we find ourselves already at a sizable disadvantage. There have been times when I have been out at a bar and heard a girl utter that crystal phrase so dissected above and I would talk to her for an hour or two then go to the bathroom and, upon my return, find her making out with the guy next to me not even 3 minutes later. Sense of humor and a great conversation will be forgotten the second a “super hot” guy glances at them, thus veering from the search for a “nice guy.” Can a “super hot” guy be a nice guy? Of course they can! Would a nice “super hot” guy rip a girl away from someone else? He probably would not if he really was the “nice guy” whose club contains more or less a sense of brotherhood toward our fellow “nice guys.” Score one for the nice guy?!

To you women out there, if you are looking for this “nice guy,” my advice to you is to look around you. He’s undoubtedly right there in your circle of friends, or a neighbor, or that nice guy at the gym/grocery store/book club. Not good enough for you? Want more of a fairy tale? Well, just find comfort in the idea that he’s probably looking for you too. Quit bitching about asshole guys, please. Asshole guys will be there as long as humanity exists on this earth and they are more than happy to prey on your insecurities. Adjust your behavior and your “social radar.” You know exactly who those asshole guys are as well as us nice guys do. Girls with certain repeatable behaviors saying, “I only find assholes, or I only find creeps!” is like an 8 year old dressed up as a ghost on October 31st feeling surprised every time someone gives them candy.

Nice guys will always be a step behind, purely because they are not willing/able to do the things necessary to become an asshole knowing this is the sure way to get “the girls”; and, in not being willing/able to do said things creates both their predicament and their ambiguous advantage. Thus, the fact that you are a “nice guy” dooms you to finish last, every time, all the time.

A Glimpse Inside the Offensive Coordinators at Penn State

Play: opponents 48, 3rd and 7

Galen: Hmm 3rd and 7, 3rd and 7... what to do, what to do?
Jay: Well we could try.... nah you said 7 right GH?
Galen: Why yes I do believe it's third and seven, thats a seven.
Jay: Hmm well..... how about... no.......... what about..... no......... hmm, I'm totally at a loss here!
Galen: Hmm gimme a second.... wait for it.... wait for it... I think I got it, by JOVE I THINK I GOT IT!
Jay: Hit me GH! Hit me baby!
Galen: We run a 2 yard out to the sideline! No one will ever expect it especially since we are getting jammed at the line every play!!
Together: BRILLIANT!

Result: opponents 47 4th and 6

Together: Ain't that the bee's knees, almost had that one




Play: 2nd and 1, PSU 25

Galen: Well Jay, you know, this would be the perfect time to throw it deep. I mean, we can always run it on third you know.
Jay: Mahhhh well you know, we could just get in the I formation which no defense in the land thinks is a running formation and give it to BranDon.
Galen: You don't feel like, you know, like we'd be wasting a key opportunity to gain some major yards?
Jay: Hey, GH, baby, who loves you?
Halen: You do Jay, you do.
Jay: Yeah, lets give it to BranDon!

Result: Tackled in the backfield, 3rd and 6, repeat above scenario.

Play: 2nd and 5, 8th game of the season.

Jay: Hey Galen, remember that play that worked in 2002 when we put Michael Robinson in at RB and then handed him the ball?
Galen: Well, I was at a nursing home playing bridge with Glenn at the time, but I think I remember it.
Jay: You think, I mean, this may just be crazy talk but, what if... what if we put D. Williams back there?
Galen: JEHOSIPHAT! My mind is too cloudy with the slow, lonely decay of old age, but I think it does sound familiar. How bout we give it a go? We fake the jab and come straight for the jaw with the old haymaker!
Jay: Hold on, I have that page in the play book dog-eared (opens play book to find play marked with highlighter, sharpie, even a scratch and sniff sticker marked as run every 5 plays)... ahh here it is send it in
Galen: HA You'll RUE the day you went against us Defensive Coordinator X!

result: hit at the line by the saftey who know it was coming 3rd and 5.

Together: FIDDLESTICKS!



Psu's offense is pathetic, and I'm sick of it.

Locker Room Etiquette

This is a blog about common human decency and the netherworld where it doesn't exist, the men's locker room. Apparently 95% of men reach a certain age between 40 and 100 when they believe that clothes, or even a god damn towel, are no longer necessary. I'm talking about the blatant disregard for the 99.8% of people in this world who aren't blind. The last thing I need to see after a long day is you walking around butt ass naked in a locker room. I may sound a bit harsh, but if it was just nudity, it would be ok, but I swear there are some old men who just love it. The second they get crossed that threshold between the real world and the locker room, their pants rip off like they are coming off the bench and going into an NBA game. So now that they're naked, they can perform normal every day tasks and not care. Like, oh say, bending over at the waist to pick up a sock, shaving and carefully placing their limp liverspotted penii on the sink counter, butt flossing with a towel, even have a 20 minute cell phone conversation, the sky is apparently the limit.

Let's also set something else straight, I'm not homophobic or anything like that, but gay men from A.C. Slater (please, lets not pretend anymore) to Elton John couldn't get a stifey after an all night binger on viagra seeing these sad excuse for men naked. We are talking 50-80 year old men with their extra 50-60 lbs around their waist and hair in places where only Dr. Zaius was suppossed to grow it. I've played sports in highschool, I've taken the shower, but thats ALL IT IS. Towel off, shower, towel on, dress. Somewhere in this easy 4 step process a whole plethora of events have been inserted between steps 2 and 3. Offenders I have seen this week alone (I shit you not): 60 year old man, gut hanging out everywhere, no towel (of course) shining his shoes; guy next to my locker drops his sock and bumps into me with his liver spotted ass (wtf?); guy shaving at the sink with his flacid cock propped up on the sink ledge; a guy blow drying his Chris Bermanesque combover then proceeding to blow dry his nuts; and, two guys having a conversation about which raquet ball raquet they use. All of these offenders all in one freaking week! All these stupid "man law's" miller lite is issuing are not solving real man problems. The real problem is elephantine nakedness rampant in our lockerrooms! This is the one place I can go to relax (the gym), the last thing I need to do is have to run through a corn field just to get to my locker! Wear a god damn towel or a robe please for the love of all that is holy in this world and please... if you drop a sock... let it go man... let it go..........

Internet Porn

Recently, I've been seeing news reports online, in the press, and on network news about internet porn and how it is everywhere.........



NO FUCKING SHIT!


I remember when I was 14 in 1995 on AOL trading pics in chat rooms. Then, I remember researching things for reports in high school in 1998 and half the tags came up as porn. Then, I remember going to college and every guy had a plethora of sites to go to. If you didn't know it was out there, you were Amish and even they knew the good "bare ankle" sites to go to! Conversations in male dorms would run something like the following:


Dude 1: "Dude, I'm so sick of 8th street latina's! Can you recommend anything else?"
Dude 2: "Well, man, I don't know if I can really recommend anything but, just in case. I prefer Captain Stabbin, MILFhunter, Co-eds Need Cash, Tranny Suprise, Cherry Teens, Persian Kitty, My Free Pay Site, Cum Fiesta, StileProject, Bang Bang Club, Mr. Chu's House of Asia, Preggo Hut, Nana Funk, Three's Company, Dani California, Isle of Lesbos, oh and probably Bang Bus. Hope that helps."
Dude 1: "...........wow.........."

SUPRISE!!!! THERE'S FUCKING PORN ON THE FUCKING INTERNET. Is it addictive? Does the Pope hate Muslim's? Yes!!! Why beat off to the memory of that one time Mary Rotten Crotch stuck her braces encrusted jowels on your dick if you can observe Rap Video quality ass do the nastiest things? Why go back to your girlfriend who's starting to put on several pounds after several years of dating and not taking care of that mustache when you can see 8 Latin Women pleasure one lucky son of a bitch? Just noticing there is a) porn on the internet and b) men like it is just like noticing how retards can't resist peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'd like to turn on the news and hear a real story like, oh how we are going to prevent a Nuckulear (GW spelling) war in Asia, mid term elections, economic growth, a plethora of other stories, not this crap. I mean Sting Rays are SOOOO pissed that they are jumping out of the fucking water to stab people in the chest!!! I MEAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST that's a story! Not Porn....

Notre Dame Fans:

You might be a Notre Dame fan if:

You are Catholic: For some reason, a lot of people think that just because you are Catholic, you have to be a Notre Dame football fan. Unfortunately, all of these people are already Catholic. How does a team filled with a sizeable majority of non-catholic players inspire you to make such a ludicrous statement? Just because the University’s “religion” is Catholicism, doesn’t automatically mean you have to root for them.

You went to some joke Jr. College for gun repair: “Hey, my college didn’t have a football team (or a national accredited certificate) so it was the logical choice for me!” No, that’s not the logical choice for you. The logical choice for you is to ask me if I want paper or plastic or ask me if I want fries with that. Just because you didn’t have a college team at your “college” still doesn’t excuse the fact that you are a dick for picking Notre Dame. If this were the universal case, then everyone with a shit basketball team would be a Duke fan…..

Your sister/brother went there: See above and shut the fuck up.

You are Regis Philbin: 99.9999999999754% of you aren’t

You really like their tradition: What does that even mean? That they can be mediocre and still make it to a BCS game? That they have a nazi esque copyright on their “image?” That Sam wise Gamgee made a movie about some 5’4” fucker who couldn’t even whipe the asses of any other college team’s players and made it in for one fucking play? I already saw that movie and liked it better when it was called Rocky, and at least he was in for 15 rounds before he got the draw.

I've Had it with Politicians

I'll tell you something that will never change, the older you get, the wiser you get. Unfortunately, this also destroys another truth, ignorance is bliss. The older I get, I can see the angles and understand intracacies of things on totally expanded levels compared to younger, simpler times. Not to pronounce that I know everything about the world, no not by any means; however, after living in the captial of our nation for 2 years and living in this country for 24 years, I have taken a keen interest on politics. Politics have shrank for me from our elected officials representing what the they think is right based on moral/ethical/financially sound decisions to what the people who will re-elect him/her think. So, having said this... wait for it, your brain might explode... HOW THE FUCK CAN POLITICIANS CARE ABOUT WHAT THE 11 MILLION ILLEGAL ... ILLEGAL MEANS THEY CANT VOTE!!!!!!!!!.......... THINK ABOUT IMMIGRATION, CITIZENSHIP, AND/OR AMNESTY?????? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!! A recent Washington Post-ABC news poll said 85% of Americans think the nation has a problem with illegal immigration. Has anyone ever seen an election won with 15% of the votes? It just bothers me to no end that we are even pandering to these people.

Yes, this is a country of immigrants and they should be allowed in... legally; however, once they get here, they need to realize this is AMERICA not NEW NEW MEXICO. My father's Romanian and Austrian grandparents didn't demand that this country bow to whatever they wanted upon their arrival (i.e. making me read/speak Spanish to just order a fucking "Numero Uno" Big Mac in Bethesda, Maryland). Well, there weren't that many Romanian/Austrians coming over so shut up!!!! Well what about this MON FRER: For several decades, German migrants made up 20-25% of the country but we don't SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH or hear "Drucken Sie die Numer Drei fuer Deutsch" when we make telephone calls. Protesters in DC were protesting in Spanish to an English speaking Senate/House.... DUH! Those that could speak English demanded we give back the South West to Mexico! Ironically this would just mean that Mexican's would be crossing the border in Missouri to come mow someone's yard in Maryland for 15$.

These people are doing jobs that Americans don't want to do; ohk fine, but guess what, just because Americans don't "want" to do them, doesn't mean they wouldn't get done without illegals. That is a huge bullshit excuse that people throw out there to try and make themselves feel better. The fact is, economically and culturally, if you introduce and encourage a large, migrant, mostly poor group of people to come here who chose not to live an American lifestyle but purely exploit America for what it is, a leaking piggy bank, then it will be exponentially detrimental to our country's future. Imagine that these 11 million people who are mostly poor go on with the trends of poorer societies having more children. In 15 years we could have 15-20% of our population who is poor and doesn't even speak English holding their hands out for money while our generation already has to pay for the social security for the generation before us (which alone could bankrupt the country) just so we can pay a Mexican gardner 15$ to mow our lawn when the neighbors kid would have done it for 10$ anyway.

Way to go politicians! Go with the 11 million illegals who can't vote for you and 15% of the populace that apparently is against us doing something about the illegal immigration policy and pass your "Amnesty" program for Mexicans while snubbing every other person who is/has tried to get into the country the legal way. I quit!

Sports Sidebar

Sports reporters and the producers that cover the broadcast really need to start understanding that an interesting story told once is interesting, twice is annoying, 42 times makes me want to vomit all over myself. Last night was the championship of NCAA basketball featuring Florida vs. UCLA. The game had many colorful players, fans, and back stories; however, one rose above everyone else. If you watched the game, you instantly know who I'm talking about. Joakim Noah is a starter for Florida. The interesting fact (at first presentation in the pregame show) was that his dad was the last French tennis player to win the French Open. Wow, that is interesting that this kid is his son, I'll admit that. Ohk next, lets watch the game.


Tip off,
Commentator 1: "Welcome sports fans for the tip off of the NCAA championship, I'd just like to note that Joakim Noah's dad is sitting right over there and did in fact play tennis."
Commentator 2: "Wow, I heard he won the French Open."
Commentator 1: " Thats right Verne, he sure did."

5 minutes into the game
Commentator 1: "Great block there by Noah, you know what? I heard his dad played tennis."
Commentator 2; "He sure did, that French Open champion is sitting right over there. Can we get another camera shot of him? Great!"


10 minutes into the game
Commentator 1: "Holy cow, the history at UCLA when it comes to championships is amazing. We have Bill Walton, Kareem Abdul and others in the crowd here."
Commentator 2: "Well you know Verne, guess who we also have in the crowd tonight?"
Commentator 1: "You got me who?"
Commentator 2: "Well, I don't know if you know this but Joakim Noah's dad is in the audience tonight."
Commentator 1: "Oh really? Can we get a camera shot of him?"
Commentator 2: "You betcha, can you believe he won the French Open? How ironic is it that his son is here playing basketball?"
Commentator 1: "Yeah I mean, this story is so amazing."


Me: PHLHAHAHAHLAHGGHHGHGALGHAGHHGAGLAGHGHHGLAGPHAGHLAGH
(sound of me vomiting all over myself)


It just seemed to me that every third sentence was about this crap. For those of you who watched the Fiesta bowl this year, the interesting story of that game was the QB for Notre Dame Brady Quinn's sister was dating starting LB for Ohio State A.J. Hawk. It was interesting to see she had a split jersey of both her brother and A.J. Hawk. The producers decided that after everyplay, we needed to see her reaction to EVERY FUCKING PLAY. Someone needs to either, inject more "back stories" or tell these guys to do it once, maybe twice, but not every 5 god damn minutes. In a game that was as lop sided as the NCAA championship last night, the first thing that is going to make me change the channel is that kind of crap. Seriously, who cares about the French or the French Open?

TV Themes Piss Me Off

I'm a big fan of the show "The Shield" on FX which is basically a show about a group of cops that steal from criminals and occassionally commit crimes themselves to cover their ass or close a case. This show has been on for 5 whole seasons now and not until the 5th season did they start to pay morally and criminally for their actions. Should I feel bad that this is, in my opinion, my least favorite of all the seasons?

Our culture now loves games like GTA 1 through GTA Cleveland (or whatever they have out now). We watch movies that glorify violence and crime. The Sopranos has been one of the most popular non-network shows. Our culture glorifies crime and illegality plain and simple. My point is, in stories like The Shield, Sopranos, or the upcoming Theif (on FX tonight) why is it that the "good guy" always has to win? People watch hours of these shows and become connected to the characters only to see them ultimately lose in the end. I'll continue with the Shield since it just rapped it's 5th season. Basically, IAD brought a huge case against the main characters in the show led by actor Forrest Whittaker (IAD prick) who I now vehemently hate. The whole season involved the protagonists being hounded by IAD and totally ruined the feel of the show for me. So, I go on message boards and see opinions split 50/50. Some people can't believe they have a show where cops murder people and steal etc; whereas, other people are upset like me that the good guy motif always wins in the end. If they all get arrested and thrown in jail at the end, what was the point of the show? If I want to watch that moral shit I'll just go out and buy a freaking Care Bear movie. I am an adult and I can decide if I want to rob a drug dealer or not, and I don't think it makes me any less a moral person to enjoy watching other FICTIONAL people do that.

Look at movies. Ocean's 11 was amazing because the "bad guys" got away with it by just being plain smarter than their opponent. Hollywood can't have this so they make that trash rag that was Ocean's 12 to make the thieves at least give back what they owed so everything is fair and square. Why make me empathize with a character if you are constantly going to make them lose in the end. I watched the movie "The Jackle" with Bruce Willis and Richard Gere and I felt like we were suppossed to root for Bruce Willis only to have that pussy Richard Gere win out in the end.

The show Thief starts tonight staring Andre Braugher (the black guy from Law and Order) and I'm debating watching that. I'll find the show ultimately entertaining while they are robbing banks etc. but if I wanted to watch what will happen in the latter seasons, I can just go buy the god damn OZ dvd's.

Does Anyone Else Think This is Funny?

I'm going to hell....

The Myth of Security

I'm sure most of you know by now that a company owned and operated by the United Arab Emirates wants to own and operate 6 major seaports on the Eastern Coast. It just so happens that just about everyone in the country both economically and politically is against this idea, except the Bush Whitehouse, threatening for the first time in his presidency to veto an act of Congress. Bush has fumbled the ball on security yet again.

With all the rhetoric spewing forth from the whitehouse on security issues, I find it very peculiar where we fight our battles on this myth of security. In my opinion, the fact that everyone in the world knows that we have an epidemic problem with illegal immigration from Mexico should be our number one security issue. Terrorists, or other people that wish to do us harm, are not idiots. They read newspapers, watch the news, take in all information possible. If I were to strap a bomb to my chest and walk into a Starbucks, I better be sure that I'm killing myself for some reason. So, this being said, if I were a news savy terrorist, how would I get into the country? I would sneak through the US-Mexico border. There is little to nothing in the way of security checkpoints, no "no-fly" lists, no metal/bomb detectors like one would find with airplane travel; heck, you might even meet a few friends in the process (estimated 10k Mexicans cross the border illegally per day). So, what has our president done to ebb the tide and attempt to make America's most vulnerable entry site "safer?" Nothing. He has a buddy buddy attitude with the openly racist and arrogant Vicente Fox ("great" minds think alike!). Many people on both sides of the aisle disagree with this policy of active ignorance. But Bush is right, and everyone else is wrong.

This wiretapping bull crap, lets investigate this. Once again, I'm a newsavy terrorist. If I do happen to make it into America or want to contact anyone in America, you think I'm going to do it on a cell phone now?!? This is as if the police know a gang runs numbers with some kid running from building to building. They tell the newspapers who publish articles for three months that they are going to stop the kid running the numbers by arresting him. Three months later, they arrest the kid after the story has been in the paper everyday for the last three months. Now this would have to be the dumbest gang in the history of time; and equally, terrorists would have to be absolute morons to still use cell phone communications. So why still argue that you need the power to tap some one's phone without a warrant for as long as you want? Power. Clearly, any "terrorist" with a brain has moved on to email/IM/ or other forms of communication, why still argue you need to tap cell phones? For when the definition of "terrorist" is grayed to "citizen." Many people, both Republican and Democrat, believe that the president is overstepping his power. But Bush is right, and everyone else is wrong.

Now lets jump into this port issue. In this day and age of globallism and capitalism running most markets, is it really a problem for another country to own a business in another country? On the surface no, subcutaneously, yes of course it is, espeically when that country is in the hot bed of radically muslim ideology that is the Middle East. This country has went out of its way to hide information about Osama Bin Laden's bank accounts he kept in the country, thats enough for me to say, want to own ports in our country? Why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here!!!" Which brings us to another good point. It isn't a company who will own these ports, it is a company owned by the government of the UAE. This means that another country will own 6 huge ports on our Eastern seaboard. I have a problem just with that last sentence alone. Here is another problem. How can a President who is willing to bend and break the Constitution to show the world that he is willing to take a stand on terrorism be so adament about selling our ports to a country in the MIDDLE FREAKING EAST? For the first time in his presidency, he is stating he will veto any act of congress that tries to stop this sale from going forward. How is this more important to him than any of the other B/S that has come across his desk within the last 5 years? EVEN SEAN HANNITY THINKS THE PRESIDENT IS WRONG FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! It is just a mystery to me how president Bush is willing to trample rights in this country to satisfy his desire to "monitor" terrorists but he is not willing to do anything to stop them from getting into the country!!! Don't get me wrong, I don't think that the UAE will all of a sudden open up our ports to terrorists. What bothers me is that news savy terrorists see the same statistics that I do, only 5% of containers coming into the US are actively searched. Those are pretty good odds to roll some dice on wouldn't you say? What bothers me the most is, this is clearly an issue of national security which Bush claims he is a strong president on, and he is clearly looking the other way. I don't care if Canada owns our ports, the fact is that another country which controls products into and out of that nation represents some threat to the security of the host country! Having a country which is smack in the center of the Middle East own these ports is clearly a mistake. Congressmen, Senators, Governors, citizens, and EVEN SEAN FUCKING HANNITY think this is a bad idea. But President Bush is right, and everyone else is wrong.

What will happen if everyone else is right you arrogant prick!?

Timetraveler?

I don't not like anything about this picture.

When Children Cry... I Laugh

The best part is how the dad continues to shove the camera in his crying child's face!